All Hands On Deck!

Hello all! I'm back from my Deadliest Catch Seattle adventure! (Soon to be a Shenanigan Files post!)  Now, on my trip, I spent a lot of time around all things nautical, and since I spent so much time around boats, on boats, talking about boats, and to people who work on boats, I thought I'd do a little maritime themed sweater postin'.

 Ebay (GLORIOUS EBAY!)

Price: $104.99

Berek. Why did I not know about Berek? It's like the ugly sweater Mecca! It touts itself as "art you can wear," and far be it from me to say it's not, but wowzers. Sure, sweaters like these took ages of time to design and create, but the hilarity is pretty much there from the start. I mean, take a look at this nautical treasure land... that gold brocade, the orange sails against that puffy cloud, it just screams "hardcore sailor." I think I'll send some of these up to some of my manly fishing buddies. I know they'd appreciate them for both their beauty and functionality. Besides, at 104.99, they're practically giving them away!

(EVEN MORE!) Ebay

Price: $.99
 The auction starts at 99 cents? 99 CENTS? That's incredible! That lace collar alone is worth at least that. Cruise in style like the best of Grandmas with this lovely design. Still, there's something... unsettling about this scene. The colors are bright and cheerful, the big red bow, pretty jazzy, and yet, it seems as if the picture is empty, devoid of life. That floating anchor on the front and the lonely hat on the back, perched ever so precariously on the ship's wheel makes it seem as if the ship has been abandoned in a froth sea of turbulent waves. The crew is gone, the Captain as well, and the passengers, nowhere to be found. Perhaps, they've taken off in a lifeboat, been abducted by the pirates surely sailing on the boat in the first sweater, or made it to land only to disappear there. There isn't a sign of what happened to them, only a mysterious message scribbled on the tag in the collar that says "CROTOAN ... dry clean only."

Ebay (INCREDIBLE!)

Price: $69.99
I love it when I go on a cruise and all of a sudden, Tetris happens! (Infinity Tetris!)

 Adventures of The Black Gang

Avast ye scurvy dog! Be ye Matthew McConaughey? ...Ye be? Aye! Tell me now, one pirate to another, what port did ye be picking up such a fine example of the nautical arts as the anchor riddled sweater ye be wearin'? Some distant Orient market? A secret cove? The pirate's council? Target? You'd be welcome to sail on me ship anytime. A fine ship she be, The Black Purl! There be just a few procedures to take care of... first, a check for illegal substances. No worries, rum's fine lad, fine. Have ye a urine samp... By the four winds! Sailor, what foul witch's brew be that?! Me thinks yer not to be passin' yer drug test!

 Ebay

Grab your gold lamé sailor! Somebody's gonna be FAAAABULOUS!

Etsy

...but not her. No, not her. She seems more like a disgruntled 1940's housewife, angry that her lout of a husband for spending all his days down at The Drunken Sailor, that horrible pub where he took her on their first date. She should have known then how things would turn out if she stayed with him, but nooooo, she could change him...

Geocaching Knitter

 Knitting Before Knitting Was Cool

It's rare we get the design and a modeling shot!

Norsemen... that's pretty synonymous with boats and tall blond people...both of which are present in this picture! You may not have been graced with the flowing blond hair, statuesque height, or ability to stomach lutefisk, but the sweater... that's a different story. This powerful Nordic design can be your very own! The link I posted includes the pattern! So grab your war hammer, put on your horned helmet, and knit your own fierce Viking standoff! (Cue Zeppelin's Immigrant Song)

All ashore that's going ashore!

Where's The Beef!?

Images from joykampia.com

It's right here, between the er...fluffy buns. Artist Joy Kampia has crocheted up what might just be every man's fantasy...girls and cheeseburgers together at last! Give that girl a pitcher of beer and she'll have to beat them off with a stick!

Image from ZooZoo Children's Clothing

Now, last I checked there was a startling trend towards childhood obesity in this country. So, is emblazoning a burger, fries, and big gulp on a sweater really the wisest thing to put on you kid? Well, I guess better on than in, eh? Still, I can hear it echoing from elementary schools across the country: "Lil' Johnny! Get that sweater out of you mouth!"

Image from Stylelist.com

Or you know, just cut out the middle man and go for bovine glory on the hoof. The sunflowers add a touch of country elegance don't you think?

Stuff White People Like...

...is sweaters! How do I know this? I've been told so on a site called "Stuff White People Like" Dash it all, it's true! I'm not going to fight it! Am I white? Check. Do I love sweaters? (Um...blog?) Check. Have I attended...and actually organized a Christmas sweater party with sweaters gleaned from my local thrift store? Check and check!

FROM STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE

The sweater is an essential part of the white person wardrobe and it is a very good idea to familiarize yourself with all the different types of sweaters that are most popular with white people.

When you approach the subject from the perspective of age, it’s essential that you combine very young and very old white people in the same group. This is because young white people think it is very cool to wear clothes that are popular with senior citizens. The most popular example of this is the cardigan sweater, which is essentially a wool jacket with less buttons. An old white person might combine this sweater with a button down shirt to provide himself or herself with valuable warmth in the winter months, but a young white person will combine it with a t-shirt to create a ‘layered look.’ This not only allows them to show others that their personality features as many layers as their clothes, but it’s a chance to show people that you own not one but two cool items of clothing.

White women will also purchase many small, thin sweaters that they can wear in combination or on top of other clothes. Though you may think it would make more sense to just purchase a thicker sweater, these layers allow them to achieve maximum temperature control (see Scarves for more evidence of this phenomenon).

Moving up in thickness and age, one comes across the ‘ultra thick’ sweater. Though you will find these at Farmer’s Markets and Community Gardens throughout the country, they are most popular in the Pacific Northwest. These are often light brown or almost beige and weigh upwards of 10 pounds. When you a see a white person walk into a bar or coffee shop wearing one of these sweaters, you can tell the weight by how much they are sweating when they take it off.

White people also appreciate the irony of ugly sweaters that usually feature things like reindeer and snowmen. Though it seems unlikely, white people have even been able to turn this into a theme for parties. Typing in “ugly sweater party” into google will return a wealth of images and a dearth of diversity. However, there is one notable exception.

Regardless of the type of sweater, it is also good to be aware of the fact that finding a nice sweater at a thrift shop or goodwill is considered a major event in the life of a white person. Scoring a garment that makes it into the regular rotation for under $10 is a story that white people will tell for up to five years after it happens. Therefore, if you are seeking white friendship it is a good idea to do one of two things: You can either go to dozens of thrift shops in hopes of finding a dream sweater or you can buy a new one, remove the label and make up a story about how you found in a Goodwill in a bad neighborhood that “hadn’t been picked clean by hipsters.”

(Check out the front page for more sweater goodness.) Man, we white folk like a bunch of stuff! All you other white people, have a look and a laugh at yourself. All you folks who aren't white, drop by and laugh along with us, we're pretty ripe for comedy! ;)