The Private Collection...

Each one of the following sweaters is one that I have in my own collection. Some I've made, some I've thrifted, some I've had since I was a child, and some, were passed down from mother to daughter in the time honored tradition of tackiness.

Tacky Sweater Bunko 2010

I feel like this is my magnum opus. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to top it really. The "Living Christmas Tree" literally made jaws drop when I walked in the door for Bunko. My friend Gina put it best, "Liz...LIZ!" It was a lot of fun to make and fairly simple at that. I think the tree skirt really sets off the whole look.

Tacky Sweater Ornament Exchange 2010

I picked this one up at the local thrift store for two bucks. Santa has no face. Well, actually, he has what I assume might be eyes up in the brim of his hat, but if you're looking for a nose or a mouth, you're out of luck. No big deal though, I mean, the kids don't mind that, right? See, just change a few words and you're all good!

♫ ♪ Faceless Claus is coming to town! ♪ ♫

Tacky Sweater Ornament Exchange 2009

I'm going to quote from my personal blog for this one, because really, it tells the whole story.

Here I am at Pine Hill [Tree Farm], in the store. It's wonderfully decorated...much like myself. Speaking of that, I actually made this sweater. It used to live a lonely and boring life at the thrift store, but I rescued it from its sad mediocrity...and let me tell you, ladies of a certain age LOVE. IT.

Legitimately.

I was asked several times if I purchased it at Macy's. Macy's! Holding back my laughter, which took, trust me, a Herculean effort, I explained that I actually made it myself. After much 'ooing' and 'ahhing,' I was told I should go sell them at, again, Macy's. Last time I checked, Macy's didn't buy its stock from some chick with a box of sweaters in the back of her Hyundai, but hey, if I want to sell them 'at' Macy's, that parking lot is fair game baby.

Tacky Sweater Ornament Exchange 2008

The skiing penguin... what more do I need to say?

Every Christmas as a child

Ah, the memories. This one is from my elementary school days...and yes, I can still wear it, as illustrated by this awkward self portrait. It's not a true sweater, but I think the tackiness comes through in spades. It's fond memories for sure. Now, since I have no shame, I'll let you know that during the holidays, I sleep in this from time to time, paired with candy cane striped flannel pants...

Treasures from Mom

...Speaking of striped pants, here they are. Never let it be said that I'm a girl who is afraid to post an unflattering picture of herself online. Mom used to wear this sweater during the Christmas season, and really, the only reason she doesn't now is because she lost some weight and it's too big, but I can still see the love for it in her eyes.

Anyway, that's my collection, or at least what I wasn't too lazy to look for. From year to year it always provides a laugh to pull them out of the box, and I've even loaned them out to friends and family for various events. You really can make one for yourself pretty easily though. A few creatively placed items go a long way.

Still, my best advice when it comes to picking a tacky Christmas sweater? Know how to accessorise.

It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year!

That's right! It's Christmas time! That special time of year when tacky, awful, wonderful sweaters are seen in abundance throughout the land! However, as much as I'd like to jump into flamingo Santas  and dogs stripped of their dignity, I'd be remiss if I didn't give a quick shout out to my Jewish friends first. After all it's the second night of Hanukkah and that menorah is burning brightly...

Thank you eBay

really, really brightly...from the chest. Jewish folk, you may not have as many tacky holiday sweaters as we gentiles, but when you do one up, you make us all proud.

CustomSweaters.com
*Sigh.*
I can't bring myself to make fun of these. The lady that creates them does so via custom orders. Each one is handmade per customer specifications and, AND, she happily makes custom UGLY sweaters if that's what you request. How awesome is that? Well, let me tell you, it's pretty dang awesome.  Her favorite ugly sweater will most definitely be featured in a future post. If you want a custom piece, they don't come cheap, but they're 'heirloom quality,' and heirloom hilarious.

The Little Red Blog of Revolutionary Knitting

OK, so technically, it's not Hanukkah, and as far as the political stuff related to this sweater, I'm not touching it with a ten foot Festivus pole, but if you happen to swing left of center, want to show your continued support for the Pres, and like discussing politics while passing the latkes, well, this one's for you!

I know. It's not a sweater, but...

Bonobos
I couldn't sit back and in good conscience, not post these. "Pants of David." PANTS. OF. DAVID. Yes, that's the actual name...and I think they pair perfectly with...

CatsFive Flickr
...this. If that face doesn't say "Happy Hanukkah," I don't know what does! Probably the one on the menorah, though that face might just say something like "MARGLEGARGEHARG!!" while waving around its crazy flaming arms.

Bangitout.com

OK, I'll admit, I'm getting out of my element here. I'm no stranger to Deuteronomy, but I didn't realize how involved this particular practice might be. I certainly didn't know there was the possibility of special clothes. However, if you're looking for a gift that's most definitely kosher and a little...uh, I was going to say unorthodox, but in this instance, I think that's entirely the opposite of what's going on here...

Oy! I don't know, this is making me all meshuga. You can order it here at LevineJudica.com

Anyway, Happy Hanukkah to all who celebrate this beautiful festival of lights. Shalom to you and yours.

A Festivus For The Rest of Us!

Now, Christmas is the headliner in the sweater parade come December...but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for everyone to march! Today, I proudly bring you a veritable festivus of sweaters! First of all, let's wish a Happy Hanukkah to those that light the menorah with these gems that will shine brightly not only for 8 crazy nights, but all year long!

Image from HSN

Mom...she's always the hardest to shop for. I mean, just how many times can you pick up some perfume or another lovely crystal vase? You know she's got to be getting tired of the same ol' same ol' too. A woman only needs so many silver candlesticks or spa gift certificates after all. Well, shop no further! Here's an absolute beauty, one might say the perfect gift! With this by the Menorah, you won't even have to worry about those other 7 nights, this one gem of a sweater is 8 nights worth of A+ number one! Mom will look stunning as the light from the shamash shines on those glittery threads and you know those delicious latkes will taste all the sweeter now.

Image by Poixeleni

Here's guy proudly holding aloft his sweater. I suppose finding an old Hanukkah sweater at the thrift store isn't as easy as finding one for Christmas...what is man to do? Well, according to the original caption, this one is a DYI crafter's creation! Not only has he done a rather good job crafting that menorah, but look at that ingenuity using the Star of David as the shamash candle's flame! (Part of me hopes you've got a pair of festive Hanukkah boardshorts for when you break out that sweet ride in the background.) Mazal Tov dude!

Image from etsy.com

Speaking of the Star of David, why not just cut to the chase? Wear it loud, wear it proud!

Image from etsy.com

...or, show off your fun loving side with this dreidle inspired number! Be careful or you may end up spinning in a pile of gelt!

Image from bp2 blogger

Even Fido isn't left out! I'm nearly kvell! Would you look at that little guy! I'm glad to know it's not just the gentile pets that get the...er...privilage of being forced to wear "stylish" seasonal clothing!

Image from Joseph_picasa web albums

"Say Jim, what are you doing for Kwanzaa this year?" "Er, actually Bob, I hadn't planned on observing it at all..." "Well, why not Bob, are you one of those types who goes around knocking down Christmas trees and blowing out the candles on the menorah?" "Well...no Bob, it's just that like you...I'm 60...and white."

Kwanzaa...I found one sweater participant...and that was him. Nice additions there with the chain and hat. Although, I was really hoping to find some excellent Cosbyesque gear for Kwanzaa, but alas...it was not to be.

Image by Corey-Wood"

Rob, I sure wish there was a holiday for guys like us...you know, folks who probably celebrate some other holiday, but would really like another reason to hang out and party." "Well, Sid, my Uncle Bob was telling me about some other holiday just the other day..."

*suddenly a voice calls out in the wilderness*

"...Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."

"What happened to the doll?"

"It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!"

Image from loftcinema_flicker

Those sweaters...they're...a Festivus Miracle! From the winter wonderland on the left to the multi-colored argyle on the right, it's absolutely beautiful. I'd love to see you guys standing around the Festivus pole, airing your grievances and reminiscing about past feats of strength...(Serious update! Carrie, has pointed out to me that I have failed to mention the majestic mullet on the owner of sweater number one! I was so distracted by Mr. Argyle that I didn't even notice that hair! Dude, you're making Billy Ray proud.)

Until later...Festivus YES! Bagel NO!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

...everywhere you go, you see the signs of the season. The spirit of glad tidings fills the air and the longing of the warmth of hearth and home awakens every heart. In some way, we desire to show our fellow man our wishes for peace on earth and good will to all..but...how?

I believe I've found the answer.

It's in the bedazzled beauty of the Christmas Sweater. An ordinary tacky sweater is a great conversation piece, fun at a party, but there's something special about those gaudy, gem encrusted Christmas sweaters...I think there's a little bit of magic in those threads.


Image courtesy of photobucket. (Classic Christmas Sweater)

Here's one I find truly full of Christmas wonder. See Santa on the right sleeve? Now I'm sure knitting a human face into a sweater is a difficult thing, however, I can't help but feel that Santa might not be looking to bring me Christmas cheer as much as he's looking to mutilate my cattle and introduce me to the probe-o-tron 5000. On the left sleeve we see where he has already abducted two hapless figures..one apparently a member of the 80's band "Devo," and trapped them in some cruel Christmas Rubik's cube. You can tell the figure of the...er...little...girl? in the middle of the sweater is terrified that Close Encounters Santa might slide down her chimney next. Also, what kind of house does she live in anyway? Where are her parents? Already "taken"? What is that trench in the floor under the Christmas tree? (Those are some strong branches!) Or maybe I've got it all wrong...maybe it's some kind of festive spaceship launchpad and not a house at all...she does bear a bit of a resemblance to Jolly Old St. Nicholas over there. Oh well, if not, at least the polka-dot wallpaper is attractive. Remember kids, you'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout, I'm telling you why the invasion is coming! It's the end of the world as we know it! "Santa Claus" is coming to town...

Image by Amanda Frederick. (Classy Cardigan Christmas Sweater)

Nothing says Noel quite like flamingos, that blue, polyester knit with buttons up to the neck...flattering, the special jazzy pizazz of sequins AND feathers, pure class. I'm glad they went with basic black for the feathered collar...a bright pink to match the flamingos would have just been too much...and we all know, Christmas sweaters are about subtlety. I think the attitude this conveys was best said by Jenny: "So, are you trying to make sure men COMPLETELY avoid you at the Christmas shindig, or are you just going to another Christmas mixer at Granny's retirement community?" Of course Carrie, ever the font of witty observation noted, "I also like the imaginary 'hand on hip' pose the sweater is in, like 'how dare you criticize my sparkles'!" How dare I indeed.


Image from photobucket. (Classic Christmas Sweater)

Those...those eyes, those cold, dead eyes! Maybe he looks so lifeless and despondent because he's been speared through the muzzle by that gigantic candy cane, or maybe it's because his owners make him wear that Santa hat. Either way, that pup's got a bone to pick (see what I did there? heheheh) with whoever put him on this monstrosity. Anyway, I like how the sides of the sweater flair out to accommodate all that new holiday poundage...but at least the horizontal stripes on the sleeves will make you look...so good.


Image from photobucket. (Classy Cardigan Christmas Sweater)

Immaculate! Sparkles? check, pompoms? check, glittery yarn? check, awkward knit rendering of Santa? check! Not only that...and I can hardly contain my excitement with this...there are actually CHRISTMAS SWEATERS ON A CHRISTMAS SWEATER! It's like someone finally got the memo! What more could a Christmas sweater ever ask for than for another Christmas sweater to be stitched right on it!? Even Santa can't resist getting in on the action! He's ditched that tired red suit for a sparkly new pastel number that says "Merry Christmas girlfriend! I am fierce and fabulous!"

Until later, Feliz Navidad!